metanoia

It starts tonight
And let this promise in me start
Like an anthem in my heart
From now on

– P.T. Barnum, “From Now On”

familiar landmarks like deadweight to my soul
who will walk this weary road with me
i have turned, turned, and turned again — my route
becomes a spiral going everywhere,
getting nowhere. as i pass by one by one
voices call out — my own voice — snarling my succumbing spirit
HERE YOU ARE AGAIN. 
YOU NEVER REALLY LEFT.
but then. gentleness brushes my shoulder. i turn my head.
it starts tonight

beginning. May 4, 1981
take note: the exquisite shape of my head.
baldness wouldn’t be a problem,
so said the nurse. and smiled my proud mama. 
invisible iv starts then, one honey-combed drip
at a time. veins vying for saccharine soothing
enslavement ensues — indebted in triple-a variety:
affirmation. accolades. applause.
tender touch leads me to long-hidden truth
and let this promise in me start

reflecting rotating colours and shapes
i was (am) like a kaleidoscope held 
in the hands of others
twisted for delight, a mirage of mirrors
time now to unhinge hidden chambers
strip me down to my essence
our eyes meet, i see – earthly reward was not my gain
a song stirs in my spirit: home is found
in the hiddenness of no-matter-what love.
like an anthem in my heart

never tired or had-enough 
hand humbly held out     he says 
you know i love walking with you
leads me back through the once-darkened path
those familiar places now signposts 
of acceptance, scars 
of growth. i return. changed.
to be sure, the next turn will come
but i am always accompanied 
from now on

* “From Now On” was written by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul and performed by Hugh Jackman in the film “The Greatest Showman”

Written by Scott Moore
Illustrated by Landon Wideman

Inspired July 2020